Understanding and Overcoming Shame
Shame is one of the most powerful — and often hidden — emotions we carry. For many of us, especially those who grew up with relational wounds or critical caregivers, shame can quietly shape our lives for years. Unlike guilt, which says “I did something bad,” shame whispers, “I am bad. I am not enough. I am unlovable.”
This deeply rooted feeling can eat away at our self-esteem, strain our relationships, and leave us feeling isolated or like we’re constantly wearing a mask. It’s no surprise that shame often fuels perfectionism and people-pleasing — we believe that if we just try harder, do more, or never mess up, we can finally outrun the fear of being found out as “not enough.”
But the truth is, shame loses its grip when we bring it into the light. By understanding where shame comes from, how it shows up, and how to heal from it, you can begin to reclaim your worth — and your life.
Where Does Shame Come From?
Shame often has roots in our earliest experiences. If you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional — where you were criticized, compared, or dismissed — you may have learned to believe that there was something inherently wrong with you. Maybe you were told you were “too much” or “not enough,” or you felt invisible unless you were performing, pleasing, or achieving.
Over time, these messages become internalized. They shape a core belief:
“I am flawed at my core. If people really knew me, they’d reject me.”
These beliefs don’t just disappear when we become adults — they often show up in our parenting, our relationships, and our work.
How Shame Impacts Your Life
Shame rarely stays hidden. It sneaks into how you see yourself and how you show up with others. For many working moms and cycle-breakers I work with, shame often looks like:
Perfectionism: The exhausting drive to never make mistakes or fall short — so no one will see your perceived flaws.
People-Pleasing: The chronic fear of disappointing others, so you say “yes” when you want to say “no.”
Self-Criticism: An inner voice that’s relentlessly harsh, pointing out your every misstep.
Avoidance: Dodging situations, conversations, or opportunities where you might feel exposed or judged.
Ironically, the more you avoid, the more shame grows — because shame thrives in silence and isolation.
Healing Shame: What It Really Takes
Healing shame isn’t about “fixing” yourself — it’s about realizing you were never broken. It starts with gently acknowledging your feelings, even when they’re uncomfortable. This means noticing when shame shows up and naming it: “This is shame. I’m feeling unworthy right now.”
Therapy can be a powerful space for this healing. A supportive, non-judgmental therapist can help you explore the roots of your shame and challenge the stories you’ve carried for so long. Techniques like EMDR therapy can help reprocess those early memories and release the emotional charge they hold. Cognitive approaches, like parts work or CBT, can help you question whether your shame-based thoughts are really true.
Small Steps to Break Shame’s Hold
You don’t have to tackle shame alone. Here are a few practical ways to start:
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. Notice when you’re being hard on yourself and pause. Remind yourself that being imperfect makes you human — not unlovable.
Challenge Shame’s Stories: When a shame thought arises, ask: Is this really true? Where did this belief come from? Does it belong to me — or to someone else’s unrealistic expectations?
Connect with Safe People: Shame loves isolation. Sharing your true self with trusted people can feel scary, but it’s how shame loses its power. Vulnerability and connection are the antidotes.
Seek Support: Healing shame alone can feel overwhelming. Working with a therapist can help you untangle old wounds, practice new ways of thinking, and build a relationship with yourself that feels more authentic and kind.
You Are Already Enough
Overcoming shame is not about becoming perfect — it’s about realizing you were already worthy all along. At Insightful Roots Therapy, I help working moms, cycle-breakers, and recovering perfectionists heal the relational wounds that feed shame, so they can feel calm, confident, and free.
You don’t have to keep carrying this alone. If you’re ready to break free from shame and reclaim your sense of self-worth, I’m here to walk alongside you.
Reach out for a free consultation. You deserve to feel enough — just as you are.
